Every New Year, so many of us make resolutions, weak hearted mumblings about how we want our life to change, and then quickly drop them as our life returns to the daily grind. Resolutions are made to be broken, so it seems.
Goals, on the other hand, are a more powerful way to frame your desired outcomes. A good goal is measurable, attainable and based on a specific outcome you want to make happen. Successful business owners don’t make resolutions, they set goals.
I invite you to take inventory of your erotic life and set a few erotic goals as you head into 2013. What do you want to experience in your sex life? How do you want to feel? Set specific goals and hold yourself accountable, and you’ll be much more likely to have the kind of sex life you desire.
Here are a few excerpts and an exercise from one of my books, The Fantasy Method. The book is all about activating the power of your erotic imagination to get clear about what it is you truly desire and how to make those desires your reality. Setting specific erotic goals is one of the best ways to start experiencing more of the sex life you crave, and what better time to start than a brand spankin’ new year?
(note: in the book I use “we” as I am writing on behalf of both myself and Charlotte, the Pleasure Mechanics duo)
Fantasy Vs. Desire: The Crucial Difference
Fantasy: the faculty or activity of imagining things, esp. things that are impossible or improbable
Fantasy is the realm where anything is possible, where you are free to imagine wild scenarios, extraordinary circumstances and superhuman powers.
Desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
Desires are those experiences that you find pleasurable and want more of in your actual life. Desires are specific elements from the world of fantasy and reality that you find fulfilling.
Goal vs. Agenda
We know, sex isn’t “supposed to be” goal-oriented. Our peers in the sex education field spend a lot of time getting people to give up having goals. We say HAVE GOALS! Greatness in all realms of life depends on setting and achieving goals. Why should great sex be exempt from this? Goals allow us to mutually agree on a desired outcome, to set our sights what we want to make happen.
Goals are essential to create a fulfilling sex life, but agendas can be toxic to your eroticism. Again, we turn to the dictionary definitions of Goal Vs. Agenda to discover the crucial difference.
Goal:
the object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired result: going to law school has become the most important goal in his life.
• the destination of a journey: the aircraft bumped toward our goal some 400 miles to the west.
• literary a point marking the end of a race.
Agenda:
• a list of items to be discussed at a formal meeting: the question of nuclear weapons had been removed from the agenda.
• a plan of things to be done or problems to be addressed: he vowed to put jobs at the top of his agenda | the government had its own agenda.
Here is the big difference: A goal is the desired result. An agenda is a to-do list. Most people approach sex with an agenda (kiss, touch boobs, blow job, fuck, orgasm – sound familiar?) instead of a goal.
As a culture we have lost our erotic imagination, and reduced the sexual experience into a predictable agenda.
The definition of “goal” has the key: desired result.
Remember the distinction between Fantasy and Desire. It is from the deep well of your desires that you will draw upon for your erotic goals. Your Desires (and your lover’s) are the inspiration for your erotic goals, determining what you want to experience sexually and how you might approach lovemaking to meet that goal.
Setting Erotic Goals Exercise 2:
Choose a Solo Goal
By now, you may have a good sense of what you want to explore in your sex life. In the next section we will be focusing on how to communicate and negotiate with your lover to come up with shared erotic goals. But many erotic goals don’t require the involvement of your lover, and for anyone who is single, there is lots of exploration and growth you can do on your own, no partner required. We think it is important to maintain ownership of your sexuality, no matter what your relationship status.
So make the very first erotic goal you set a Solo Erotic Goal. Think about one thing you can do to explore a new part of your sexuality, on your own. This could be about how you treat yourself as a sexual being, an attitude you want to shift over time, or a physical experience you want to try out when you masturbate.
I want to experience _______________________________.
In the coming month, I will _______________________________ in order to feel more __________________.
For more on determining your authentic desires, setting erotic goals and making those goals your reality, check out my book The Fantasy Method, available exclusively at Amazon.