I spent Sunday recovering from my emotional week, coming back into my body and restoring my balance. This involved a steak dinner with a beautiful bottle of red wine, long walks and some time playing video games. One of the things I really appreciate about my relationship with Charlotte is that we have a generous give and take – when one of us is feeling down or needs to focus our energy elsewhere, the other steps in to do all the housework, cooking and cleaning. Charlotte took such good care of me this weekend, giving me the time and space I needed to rest and recover.

So as I sat down this morning to work on our new book, I was thinking a lot about reciprocity. Relationships require a balance of both emotional and sexual reciprocity, a constant dynamic dance of give and take. The new book is about oral sex, which is a perfect act to highlight the themes of reciprocity in your relationship. Below is a piece of what I wrote this morning, part of the chapter on the emotional skills of going down.

The Dynamic Dance of Sexual Reciprocity

Is there an imaginary scoreboard above your bed? Many couples act as if they need to stay “even” when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure. Yet, reciprocity is not a one-for-one exchange. It is important to make sure both of your needs and desires are being acknowledged, but you may also find that there is a natural balance within your relationship, or phases of your relationship, that are not “equal.” Balance does not have to be symmetrical. What is essential is to check in with yourself and one another and make sure you are not developing any resentment about how much pleasure one person is receiving and how much stimulation the other is giving. If you are both satisfied and fulfilled by your sex life, that is indeed an accomplishment of a harmonious balance.

The act of balancing pleasure has many factors. It begins with our individual appetites for pleasure. Some people like to have multiple orgasms every time they get aroused. Others are satisfied with one strong orgasm. Others don’t mind if they climax, as long as it feels good. Get to know your own and your lover’s climax preferences. At what point do you tend to feel “done”? This might change over time – if you begin to have multiple orgasms regularly, you might feel frustrated if you stop at one. Of course, there are times when sex is interrupted, you only have so much time, or your lover gets tired. We don’t always get exactly the kind of orgasms we want. But knowing your preferences and what makes you feel filled up and satisfied can help you communicate with your lover about your needs – and pace yourself accordingly!

There are times in life when we have more or less capacity to give or receive pleasure. Physical relationships need to be dynamic and respond to life changes. If one partner takes on more hours at work, for example, they may not be available for marathon lovemaking sessions – but may respond well to receiving some extra loving touch. Vacationing together can create a glut of time and energy to devote to pleasure – so seize the opportunity to enjoy extra doses of pleasure and intimacy. The needs of children, family obligations, professional demands, physical health and changing moods can all effect our needs and desires. Observant, compassionate lovers can adjust the physical relationship to best meet the current needs of both partners.

Also notice that the give and take of relationships extends way beyond the bedroom. Does your partner do you favors? Anticipate your needs (“Thought you might get chilly so I grabbed you a sweater”)? Go out of their way to make your life a bit easier? Do you offer these same kind acts to your lover in return? Take stock of your relationship and the reciprocity of daily acts of love and kindness. If the balance is way off, one of you may be harboring resentment or frustration for the other – two toxic emotions that can close you down to enjoying a pleasurable physical relationship. Notice if you feel safe asking for help or for a favor. Does it feel easy to ask? Or do you worry about your partner’s potential response? Do you thank one another when a favor is done? Is there an easy sense of reciprocity? If you are both comfortable in bed and sleepy, and notice that a light needs to be turned off, is it a struggle to determine who is going to get up? Notice these themes of reciprocity, and if there is an imbalance, slowly begin shifting your relationship towards a more balanced give and take. Remember, you are on the same team, and giving and receiving pleasure, favors, and acts of love should be mutually satisfying and joyful.