Keeping the Embers Alive

January 17, 2013 by

Just a few days ago, I wrote about the importance of touch in relationships. Emphasizing the importance of touch is one of the foundations of all of my work. I believe that offering your lover consistent, loving, affectionate touch is even more important than orgasms for the long-term health of your relationship. This isn’t the sexiest, most glamorous message, but from all of my research it is apparent that lack of loving touch is more likely to dry up a relationship and inflict more physical and emotional pain than a lack of orgasms. Both are important, but non-sexual touch is where I would begin to strengthen and maintain a loving relationship.

So I was thrilled to find an article in The New York Times about how to maintain love and affection over the long term. Researcher Sonya Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, insists that the focus must be on strategies to maintain the embers of love and affection, rather than focusing on the all out blaze of lust that first consumes us early in relationships. Her top suggestion? More physical touch:

“A pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a hug, an arm around the shoulder — the science of touch suggests that it can save a so-so marriage,” Dr. Lyubomirsky writes. “Introducing more (nonsexual) touching and affection on a daily basis will go a long way in rekindling the warmth and tenderness.”

She suggests “increasing the amount of physical contact in your relationship by a set amount each week” within the comfort level of the spouses’ personalities, backgrounds and openness to nonsexual touch.

– That Loving Feeling Takes A Lot of Work, NYTimes, 1/14/2013

 

In addition to upping the amount of daily touch  you exchange, I also advocate strongly for a regular exchange of massage. Ten or fifteen minutes of focused, skilled massage from your lover does wonders to relax away chronic stress, increase intimacy and strengthen the bond between you and your partner. We created a whole series of couples massage videos that guide you in learning highly effective massage strokes and offer five minute massage sequences so  you can fit in massage no matter how busy you are.

So forget for a moment about how to swing from the chandeliers or achieve hour-long orgasms. Focus on the building blocks of love and intimacy, those daily moments of touching your lover that are vital for sustaining the love between you. Research is mounting that this is where the magic is – those tiny moments of connection that add up to a lifetime of intimacy.

Filed Under: Better Sex Strategies, Relationships, Touch

Sexless Vs. Touchless Relationships

January 15, 2013 by

It is estimated that 10-20% of all marriages are sexless, defined as having sex less than 10 times a year. First of all, I would guess that by that definition the percentage is way higher. I also don’t think that 10 times a year is sexless – sounds like a couple trying to make it work against the odds.

However you define sexless marriage, and whatever percentage you come up with, I think we are focusing again too much on intercourse as the barometer of sexual health in a relationship. What I am much more interested in is how often a couple touches one another, and the quality of the touch exchanged.

One of the reasons Charlotte and I started our sex education company, The Pleasure Mechanics, is because Charlotte was working as a massage therapist at the time and kept getting clients who were in touchless relationships. They reported that they hadn’t been touched by their wife in 5, 10, 20 years. So they turned to professional services to get touched and feel that human connection.

However often you are having sex of the more orgasmic variety, I think it is essential that we maintain a constant flow of affectionate, loving touch in our relationships. When we stop touching, the distance between us grows rapidly and it becomes harder and harder to reach out to one another again.

Do a quick inventory and ask yourself how much touch you are exchanging with your lover. Make a commitment to touch your lover more often with more care and attention. Notice what changes in your relationship as you exchange more beautiful, nourishing touch.

More on Sexless Marriages

Filed Under: Relationships

Weight Loss Through Erotic Embodiment

January 14, 2013 by

This morning, I walked to the bottom of the big hill near our home, and did my best to run all the way up. My pace broke a few times into a slow shuffle, but I made it up. I found myself heaving, in pain, triumphant at the top of the hill.

I am in the middle of what will surely be a lifelong journey: chasing health and fitness. This morning, I did my first run since high school, in an attempt to amp up my fitness plan to the next level.

Growing up, I was always the fat girl. As a budding feminist, I proudly rejected diet plans and body image issues, choosing instead to rely on my fierce brain to succeed. It never mattered to me that I was overweight. Of course it hurt when I was bullied in the halls of my high school, but I never put too much stock into the opinions of others. I wore my curves like armor, flaunting my big breasts in a leopard push-up bra worn under a slightly see through men’s button down. I have a big frame, lots of muscle and a pretty enough face. I knew I could never compete with my slender friends in their strapless dresses, so I opted out.

When I came out as queer in college, my weight became even less of an issue. In the queer community there is a lot more tolerance and love for bodies of all sizes, and I was too busy hooking up with gorgeous people to worry about my waist line. None of my lovers – male or female or other – seemed to mind my big belly. I felt hot and sexy, and had a great sex life. I laughed at all the hype about diets and thinness – I felt myself to be way above all that.

It wasn’t until I hit 30 that I realized that my weight might mean something more than simply being fat. It could mean diabetes, heart disease, years of my life lost. I nursed my mother through a double knee replacement, spending weeks in the amputee ward where I saw dozens of people losing their legs to diabetes. This disease was rampant in my family, and it became clear to me that diabetes would be my destiny if I didn’t whip my ass into shape.

So I began a journey of weight loss and building fitness, discovering what my body might be capable of. I began my journey at 249.5 – the scale hovering close to the 250 mark for months. For the first few years, I lost a bit of weight here and there but most of my energy went towards confronting all the deep emotional shit that surfaced as soon as my heart rate escalated. I shed tons of emotional baggage, and only then started to shed pounds. Today I weigh in at 215, and am pushing forward towards the goal of being a lean mean muscle strapped love machine. My goal is not to be skinny, but to be athletic. To have bulging muscles and be free of the baggage of excess body weight. To have balanced blood sugar and fuel my body with the food it needs to thrive.

I’ve come to name my body a path of “weight loss through erotic embodiment,” understanding the journey to be one of setting the stage to feel more pleasure, be a better lover and enjoy my body as an erotic engine. Nothing motivates me more than the question “How much more pleasure can I feel?” and sure enough, as the excess weight comes off, all new levels of physical and emotional pleasure are becoming available to me.

I’ll share more about this process and the techniques I have used in future blog posts. For today, I am celebrating making it to the top of the hill. My lungs were burning with the ice cold morning air, my thighs felt ready to collapse, but I had run up the hill. In a few days, I’ll go back and do it again. Right now, I am soaking in the delicious soreness that comes after a good workout, and the emotional triumph of conquering my little mountain. I feel just a bit stronger, just a bit more bad ass than I did when I awoke. There is so much more work to do, but for today, I am victorious.

Filed Under: Erotic Embodiment, Personal, Weight Loss

Support and Freedom

January 11, 2013 by

One of the values I try to live by in my relationships is offering complete support and total freedom. I try to offer all of myself in supporting my partner’s goals and happiness, while allowing her to dictate her own path and make her own choices.

Meanwhile, I attempt to find the balance between supporting others and taking care of myself. This is a constant dance for balance: how can I give generously while maintaining enough fuel for my own goals and needs? I know I am a bit off balance when I feel that I’ve left myself behind, when taking care of everyone around me means there is nothing left in my tank for myself. I’m glad I’m practicing this now, as I expect this will only intensify if I become a parent.

Today, I am recommitting to my own needs: writing every day, dancing and walking, eating well. Self-care is really not a selfish act, as it allows us to have way more energy and love to give to others. What more can you do to take care of yourself, so you are fully fueled and ready to support those you love?

Filed Under: Personal, Relationships

We Can Do Love Better

January 10, 2013 by

This morning I woke up to a sad email from a friend who is going through a sudden break-up. I called her right away to give her my support, and in our conversation it became clear that what hurt most was not that the relationship was ending or changing, but that her lover was doing the break-up so poorly, without the maturity, respect and dignity that they both deserve.

I am reminded by this how seldom we bring the best of ourselves to all stages of intimate relationships. From flirtation and seduction to negotiations and break-ups, we often revert to selfish children when it comes to intense moments of intimacy. Why is that? Why are break-ups and other forms of relationship conflict often marked by immature and disrespectful behavior? Where does our self-respect and confidence go when we are trying to ask someone out on a date? It seems that as soon as we are dealing with love,sex and intimacy we all lose a bit of dignity and intelligence.

After reflecting on this today, I think that it must be related to the fact that as a culture we are still purging our sex-negative history. We still have a legacy of sexual relationships being more about dominance and ownership rather than love and mutual pleasure. We still have so much shame and fear around sexuality. And so when we are negotiating these relationships we all become the weakest versions of ourselves. We wither, rather than thrive. Most of us are much more powerful and clear when it comes to our career than our desires in the bedroom. We are more willing to stand up for ourselves in relationships where we haven’t been seen naked. We show up at our worst during break-ups, and any relationship that doesn’t last forever is deemed a failure rather than simply a phase that has ended. Our cultural dialogue about relationships, especially when they are ending, does not encourage us to bring the best of ourselves to one another.

The cure for this, of course, is to continue healing our sex culture and create a future where sexuality is a respected, dignified and celebrated part of our lives. We must strive to give ourselves and our lovers more respect and bring the best parts of ourselves to creating healthy and mature erotic relationships. We need to challenge ourselves to communicate clearly about our desires, step fully into our power as erotic beings and own our responsibility to one another. Being reckless with one another’s feelings is just a sign of erotic immaturity, as individuals and as a culture. We can do better. I pray for a future where more adults have the capacity to bring the best of ourselves to our most intimate relationships, where we can begin and end romances with more clarity and dignity. We can do better at this little piece of life called love, don’t you think?

Filed Under: Relationships, Sex Culture

Making More Time For Sex: Taking Extreme Measures

January 9, 2013 by

photo (1)Very few people have sex as often as they want. I certainly don’t, and I work from home and spend my days thinking, writing and speaking about sexuality. So why don’t I make more time for sex? Why don’t you?

Every single time I have sex I feel glorious afterwords, feel more alive, more connected to my partner, healthier and happier. So why doesn’t it get prioritized each and every day?

In my relationship, it is mostly a timing issue. I am a morning person, awake at 6 every morning and asleep by 10. Charlotte is more of a night owl. So it is easy to work away the day, cook three beautiful meals, do all the dishes, spend time online, and go to sleep without ever carving out the time to get naked and get in bed with the woman I love. We have to interrupt the day to make time to be together, and it is all to easy to pass day after day without prioritizing it.

For other couples, the stress of kids, work and family get in the way. Others struggle with resentment and negativity in their relationship. There are a lot of reasons that we don’t have sex more often – whatever your reasons, you are not alone.

It is easy to rattle off ideas to make more time for sex – schedule date nights, seduce one another spontaneously, send more love notes via email. But this month I am going to experiment with a more extreme approach. I got this idea from an episode of Radiolab (one of the best podcasts out there!) that profiles a woman who quit smoking using an odd approach. A civil rights activist, she promised her best friend that if she didn’t quit smoking she would donate money to the KKK. Of course, it worked. Zelda chose the agony of nicotine withdrawal over the emotional agony of supporting a cause so antithetical to her life purpose. It turns out that creating a potential negative consequence for not meeting a goal is often more motivating than a simple reward.

So this month, I experiment. I am writing a check made out to an organization that stands for everything I despise: Focus on the Family (gay-hating, misogynist,  sex negative hypocrites!) and if I don’t take the time to make beautiful love with my lady at least twice a week for the rest of the month, the check goes in the mail. I’ll keep you posted – but even as I write this check I know that my priorities are going to win out. I bet I’ll suddenly find the time, and bask in the rewards of having more sex with the woman I love.

Will you join me in this challenge? Set an erotic goal, and write a check to an organization you despise. Promise to mail that check if you don’t meet that goal, and then see what happens. Be in touch and keep me posted on what happens!

Filed Under: Better Sex Strategies, Relationships

Making Noise During Sex

January 8, 2013 by

As I write my new book on oral sex techniques, I am reminded of how important it is to make noise during sex. Making noise both heightens your own pleasure and also guides your lover in giving you more of what you want.

Many of us feel really inhibited when it comes to sex, and it turns out that this really limits the pleasure we feel. If your throat is constricted, your pleasure is going to be limited. And, making noise helps guide your partner in giving you more of the kind of touch you want. So free up your voice and see how much more pleasure is available to you.

Here are a few techniques to get you started.

First of all, keep in mind that your sound doesn’t have to sound like porn track. And if you are worried about the neighbors hearing you, make noise into pillow or turn up the music!

Here is the cheat sheet to making more noise during sex, followed by my youtube video on the topic that explores these techniques in more depth:

Start by making sound on exhale. Start with non words: oooooh aaaahh  mmmmmmmm sssssssss

Then build up to being able to describe what is being done to you: Oh, I love the way you are sucking my cock, you look so beautiful down on your knees

This can easily progress to requests: I love how you are sucking my cock, would you consider sucking harder?

If all else fails here are four words easy to say during sex: Yes! There! More! Please!

How much noise do you make during sex? How much freedom do you allow yourself to express your pleasure with your voice?

Filed Under: Better Sex Strategies

Sexual Reciprocity

January 7, 2013 by

I spent Sunday recovering from my emotional week, coming back into my body and restoring my balance. This involved a steak dinner with a beautiful bottle of red wine, long walks and some time playing video games. One of the things I really appreciate about my relationship with Charlotte is that we have a generous give and take – when one of us is feeling down or needs to focus our energy elsewhere, the other steps in to do all the housework, cooking and cleaning. Charlotte took such good care of me this weekend, giving me the time and space I needed to rest and recover.

So as I sat down this morning to work on our new book, I was thinking a lot about reciprocity. Relationships require a balance of both emotional and sexual reciprocity, a constant dynamic dance of give and take. The new book is about oral sex, which is a perfect act to highlight the themes of reciprocity in your relationship. Below is a piece of what I wrote this morning, part of the chapter on the emotional skills of going down.

The Dynamic Dance of Sexual Reciprocity

scoreboardIs there an imaginary scoreboard above your bed? Many couples act as if they need to stay “even” when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure. Yet, reciprocity is not a one-for-one exchange. It is important to make sure both of your needs and desires are being acknowledged, but you may also find that there is a natural balance within your relationship, or phases of your relationship, that are not “equal.” Balance does not have to be symmetrical. What is essential is to check in with yourself and one another and make sure you are not developing any resentment about how much pleasure one person is receiving and how much stimulation the other is giving. If you are both satisfied and fulfilled by your sex life, that is indeed an accomplishment of a harmonious balance.

The act of balancing pleasure has many factors. It begins with our individual appetites for pleasure. Some people like to have multiple orgasms every time they get aroused. Others are satisfied with one strong orgasm. Others don’t mind if they climax, as long as it feels good. Get to know your own and your lover’s climax preferences. At what point do you tend to feel “done”? This might change over time – if you begin to have multiple orgasms regularly, you might feel frustrated if you stop at one. Of course, there are times when sex is interrupted, you only have so much time, or your lover gets tired. We don’t always get exactly the kind of orgasms we want. But knowing your preferences and what makes you feel filled up and satisfied can help you communicate with your lover about your needs – and pace yourself accordingly!

There are times in life when we have more or less capacity to give or receive pleasure. Physical relationships need to be dynamic and respond to life changes. If one partner takes on more hours at work, for example, they may not be available for marathon lovemaking sessions – but may respond well to receiving some extra loving touch. Vacationing together can create a glut of time and energy to devote to pleasure – so seize the opportunity to enjoy extra doses of pleasure and intimacy. The needs of children, family obligations, professional demands, physical health and changing moods can all effect our needs and desires. Observant, compassionate lovers can adjust the physical relationship to best meet the current needs of both partners.

Also notice that the give and take of relationships extends way beyond the bedroom. Does your partner do you favors? Anticipate your needs (“Thought you might get chilly so I grabbed you a sweater”)? Go out of their way to make your life a bit easier? Do you offer these same kind acts to your lover in return? Take stock of your relationship and the reciprocity of daily acts of love and kindness. If the balance is way off, one of you may be harboring resentment or frustration for the other – two toxic emotions that can close you down to enjoying a pleasurable physical relationship. Notice if you feel safe asking for help or for a favor. Does it feel easy to ask? Or do you worry about your partner’s potential response? Do you thank one another when a favor is done? Is there an easy sense of reciprocity? If you are both comfortable in bed and sleepy, and notice that a light needs to be turned off, is it a struggle to determine who is going to get up? Notice these themes of reciprocity, and if there is an imbalance, slowly begin shifting your relationship towards a more balanced give and take. Remember, you are on the same team, and giving and receiving pleasure, favors, and acts of love should be mutually satisfying and joyful.

Filed Under: Better Sex Strategies, Relationships

Seeking Escape

January 6, 2013 by

Remember that post about touch in times of anguish? Well, today was the culmination of a major fall out with my mentally ill family member, and I feel like I have been run over by a freight train. I will write much more about the relationship of abuse, trauma and pleasure in future blog posts – it has been a long path of healing for me as I reclaim my body after a childhood of not only child sexual abuse but also near daily physical abuse from my bipolar sibling. I believe that most of us are dealing with the aftermath of trauma in our bodies – maybe it was a date rape in high school or physical violence at home, perhaps it was incest or maybe persistent emotional abuse from someone you counted on. Truth is, we live in a really unhealthy culture and so many of us are silently dealing with the aftermath of violence – physical, emotional or often both.

So today, I was run over by this person who I care so much about, this person who has spent my lifetime hurting me, this person who I have persistently been trying to build a healthy relationship with. I’ve been showing up year after year with nothing but love and generosity. And when she attacks, my entire lifetime of pain is triggered and I fall apart.

So what to do? I needed more than a cuddle. I needed pure escape. So we went to the movies. We saw This is 40 from Judd Apatow and crew, and it was so cleansing to sit in the dark theater for a few hours and laugh at other people’s problems, sigh at fictionalized families that are as crazy and flawed as my own (wait, no, my own was way more fucked up) and find hope in the happy endings. Coming home, I feel much better. Still sad and scared for my family, but also way more grounded in my own reality. The lesson? Sometimes escaping into fiction can help us find our truth again. And to live a pleasurable life, to occupy our erotic bodies and maintain a sexuality in this crazy world, we must stay dedicated to healing our wounds, seek comfort where we can find it, and once in awhile laugh our asses off at cheap jokes.

Filed Under: Personal

Setting Erotic Goals

January 4, 2013 by

FantasyMethodSmallEvery New Year, so many of us make resolutions, weak hearted mumblings about how we want our life to change, and then quickly drop them as our life returns to the daily grind. Resolutions are made to be broken, so it seems.

Goals, on the other hand, are a more powerful way to frame your desired outcomes. A good goal is measurable, attainable and based on a specific outcome you want to make happen. Successful business owners don’t make resolutions, they set goals.

I invite you to take inventory of your erotic life and set a few erotic goals as you head into 2013. What do you want to experience in your sex life? How do you want to feel? Set specific goals and hold yourself accountable, and you’ll be much more likely to have the kind of sex life you desire.

Here are a few excerpts and an exercise from one of my books, The Fantasy Method. The book is all about activating the power of your erotic imagination to get clear about what it is you truly desire and how to make those desires your reality. Setting specific erotic goals is one of the best ways to start experiencing more of the sex life you crave, and what better time to start than a brand spankin’ new year?

(note: in the book I use “we” as I am writing on behalf of both myself and Charlotte, the Pleasure Mechanics duo)

Fantasy Vs. Desire: The Crucial Difference

Fantasy:  the faculty or activity of imagining things, esp. things that are impossible or improbable

Fantasy is the realm where anything is possible, where you are free to imagine wild scenarios, extraordinary circumstances and superhuman powers.

Desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

Desires are those experiences that you find pleasurable and want more of in your actual life. Desires are specific elements from the world of fantasy and reality that you find fulfilling.

Goal vs. Agenda

We know, sex isn’t “supposed to be” goal-oriented. Our peers in the sex education field spend a lot of time getting people to give up having goals. We say HAVE GOALS! Greatness in all realms of life depends on setting and achieving goals. Why should great sex be exempt from this? Goals allow us to mutually agree on a desired outcome, to set our sights what we want to make happen.

Goals are essential to create a fulfilling sex life, but agendas can be toxic to your eroticism. Again, we turn to the dictionary definitions of Goal Vs. Agenda to discover the crucial difference.

Goal:

the object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired result: going to law school has become the most important goal in his life.

• the destination of a journey: the aircraft bumped toward our goal some 400 miles to the west.

• literary a point marking the end of a race.

Agenda:

• a list of items to be discussed at a formal meeting: the question of nuclear weapons had been removed from the agenda.

• a plan of things to be done or problems to be addressed: he vowed to put jobs at the top of his agenda | the government had its own agenda.

Here is the big difference: A goal is the desired result. An agenda is a to-do list. Most people approach sex with an agenda (kiss, touch boobs, blow job, fuck, orgasm – sound familiar?) instead of a goal.

As a culture we have lost our erotic imagination, and reduced the sexual experience into a predictable agenda.

The definition of “goal” has the key: desired result.

Remember the distinction between Fantasy and Desire. It is from the deep well of your desires that you will draw upon for your erotic goals. Your Desires (and your lover’s) are the inspiration for your erotic goals, determining what you want to experience sexually and how you might approach lovemaking to meet that goal.

Setting Erotic Goals Exercise 2:

Choose a Solo Goal

By now, you may have a good sense of what you want to explore in your sex life. In the next section we will be focusing on how to communicate and negotiate with your lover to come up with shared erotic goals. But many erotic goals don’t require the involvement of your lover, and for anyone who is single, there is lots of exploration and growth you can do on your own, no partner required. We think it is important to maintain ownership of your sexuality, no matter what your relationship status.

So make the very first erotic goal you set a Solo Erotic Goal. Think about one thing you can do to explore a new part of your sexuality, on your own. This could be about how you treat yourself as a sexual being, an attitude you want to shift over time, or a physical experience you want to try out when you masturbate.

I want to experience _______________________________.

In the coming month, I will _______________________________ in order to feel more __________________.

 

For more on determining your authentic desires, setting erotic goals and making those goals your reality, check out my book The Fantasy Method, available exclusively at Amazon.

Filed Under: Better Sex Strategies
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