Now Blogging on YourTango

March 5, 2013 by

I believe we are all experts when it comes to sexuality, and that the most interesting sex education comes from listening closely to the everyday experiences of as many people as possible. Sexuality is a social force, created daily through our interactions with the culture around us. To inform my teaching as a sex educator, I try to talk to as many people as possible, listening closely to the intimate details people are willing to share with me. So many folks are hungry for a compassionate ear and I tend to get into very personal conversations with strangers everywhere I go. One time, I had such an intimate conversation with a woman on the train that by the time we arrived at her stop she was in tears and citing a “breakthrough moment!”

Blogging is a powerful way for me to share my ideas and insights as a sex educator but is also a practice in listening. Towards that end, I’ve shifted my blogging efforts over to a new platform at one of the largest sex and relationship sites online, YourTango.com. I’ll be blogging over there and participating in the vibrant community so I can continue to both share my own wisdom and benefit from the community conversation. Below are links to my first few posts on the site, and I’ll continue to leave short posts here with links to the full articles. One of the benefits of blogging at YourTango is the comments will be open, so I look forward to hearing from my readers with their responses and ideas.

Cheers!

Fantasy Vs. Desire: The Crucial Difference

3 Sexy Options For When You Are Not In The Mood

3 Ways Kinky Sex Is Like Spicy Food

Filed Under: Better Sex Strategies, Sex Culture

Madame of the Ivy League Whorehouse

February 12, 2013 by

As a proud graduate of Vassar College, one of the founders of the college’s sex magazine Squirm and active alumna of the school, I was both horrified and amused to hear that the Westboro Baptist “Church” is planning a picket of the Vassar Campus, accusing the school of being part of the “fag agenda” and branding us the “Ivy League Whorehouse” The protest is scheduled for February 28, 2013, right after they get done protesting at the funeral of Army General H. Norman Schwarzkopf at West Point.

WBC Vassar Prostest

As one of the former madames of the Ivy League Whorehouse, I know that the history and legacy of queer leadership and academia at Vassar College is much stronger than the WBC even knows. Vassar has been, and will continue to be, a safe haven for queer students and an incubator of future generations of queer leaders. Vassar’s sex culture extends beyond an acceptance of the queer spectrum of the student body: the campus sex magazine Squirm has over a ten year history of promoting erotic expression, and the magazine has served as a prototype for magazines at dozens of schools, including Harvard and Bard.

My heart aches for those students who will feel the spiritual burden of the WBC protest – queers who grew up in communities of faith and have been forced to straddle the false divide of religion and sexual authenticity. Vassar students are fierce but I know that these targeted protests can still cause spiritual wounds. It is my hope that the loving response of the Vassar community will more than counter the hateful presence of the prostesters on campus.

Once the WBC added Vassar to the official prostest schedule, The Vassar community was swift to react. Hundreds of students gathered to begin deciding how to counter protest the WBC visit and how to create positive outcomes for the communities of both Vassar and the greater Hudson Valley area.

Online, alumni/ae – queer and otherwise – rose immediately and began voicing support for Gay Vassarites. A few fundraising efforts were initiated, raising over $18,000 within 24 hours$68,000 in three days. The CrowdRise campaign is generating money for The Trevor Project, while another campaign is raising funds for the Hudson Valley.

I am thrilled to see the student’s response so clearly calling for the transformation of WBC’s malicious intent into creating a positive event for the school. I continue to be one of the proudest former Madames of the Ivy League Whorehouse!

Update: 3/12/2013: The Vassar community received a warm hearted email from the acting President of the school, Jon Chenette. He expressed the contrast between the WBC and the values of Vassar, stating in part, “In the face of Westboro’s statements, we want to celebrate the inclusiveness of our community and the multitude of backgrounds, interests, and preferences that enrich our experiences.”

Filed Under: Personal, Sex Culture

Masturbation as Self Love

February 5, 2013 by

How do you touch yourself?

Do you treat yourself the way you treat your lover?

Do you bring the same kind of enthusiasm and exploration to your self-touch as you do to touching your partner?

Most of us do not. Masturbation is often a utilitarian act, a release valve for excess sexual pressure. Most of us masturbate in the same way every time, repeating the same strokes and playing out the same fantasies that bring us to climax quickly and reliably. This can be useful – again, knowing how to get off is not a bad thing – but masturbation can also serve as a powerful laboratory to try new things and learn more about your body, arousal patterns and erotic potential. As you learn what kinds of touch your body responds to, or what fantasies really turn you on, you can bring this knowledge to your partnered sex life and have more variety to play with, more self-knowledge to guide your partner.

Most of us love a confident, self-aware lover who can give us guidance towards pleasuring and satisfying them. So why not also cultivate this self-awareness in ourselves, so we can be the kind of lover we want to have?

Filed Under: Erotic Embodiment, Relationships

Sexual Frequency: Extreme Measures Work!

January 31, 2013 by

Earlier in the month, I talked about taking extreme measures to motivate us to make more time for sex. I wrote a check to an organization I loathe, with the agreement that if we didn’t meet our sexual goal for the rest of the month, the check would go in the mail. This strategy of creating a strong negative consequence is actually quite effective, perhaps even more effective than creating a positive reinforcement for your goals.

Even with the check up on our fridge as a daily reminder of our goal, it was hard to make as much time as we wanted to for sex. Our biggest obstacle was being sick. We both had colds on and off throughout the month, and nothing is less sexy than a sinus infection. On the days we were feeling good we noticed that the best strategy was to seize the first moment in the day when we both felt like being intimate. When we seized the moment and made love early in the day, the whole day was more joyful and we felt more productive at work. If we let those early opportunities slip by, the days flew by and we were asleep without having made love. We also created a standing date on Sundays to spend intimate time together, whether that meant a massage or making love.

If you are trying to make more time for sex and increase your sexual frequency, my best advice is to seize the moment. Have a standing agreement that if both of you are in the mood you’ll take the opportunity and get busy. Don’t think that the mood will strike again at a more convenient time. Pair this spontaneity with a standing weekly sex date and don’t compromise that time for anything! Making more time for sex sure isn’t easy, but it is absolutely worth it.

photo (1)

Filed Under: Better Sex Strategies, Relationships

The Sex Bucket List

January 30, 2013 by

B00B7SS1A0What do you want to experience before you die? What would allow you to go to the grave feeling sexually fulfilled?

We get letters from people all the time who are bored with their sex life, who want a more memorable and exciting sexuality. My answer? Start thinking about having sexual experiences, instead of just “having sex.”

We pulled together a list of 101 ideas to get you started. The Erotic Bucket List went live on Amazon today, and I’m excited to share it. This book will be an open collaboration with readers- we invite you to submit stories as you check your adventures off  your list, suggest new ideas or illustrate the list with artwork. It will be fascinating to watch the list evolve over time!

Ultimately, my goal is to help change global sex culture – from one of oppression and domination towards a sex culture based on pleasure, creativity and love. The Erotic Bucket List is a simple tool to inspire more erotic adventures, to wake up more sensuality and joy in our lives.

Filed Under: Better Sex Strategies

Focusing Your Erotic Attention

January 28, 2013 by

“And so, from the first, we separated our pleasure. She lay on the rug and I lay at right angles to her so that only our lips might meet. Kissing in this way is the strangest of distractions. The greedy body that clamors for satisfaction is forced to content itself with a single sensation and, just as the blind hear more acutely and the deaf can feel the grass grow, so the mouth becomes the focus of love and all things pass through it and are re-defined. It is a sweet and precise torture.”

― Jeanette Winterson, The Passion

One of the greatest sexual skills is also one of the most subtle. To fully enjoy all of the sensations of erotic stimulation, you must learn how to focus your erotic attention. I consider this a form of erotic mindfulness. Just as you can learn how to focus and center your attention during meditation, you can learn how to focus your attention on sexual pleasure. Many of us get distracted during sex – either thinking about mundane daily things (“Did I pay the electric bill yet?”) or worrying about our lover’s experience (“are they having fun?” “do I look sexy enough?”) To the extent you are not focusing on sensation, you are missing out on pleasure.

I love this quote from Jeanette Winterson because it calls to our attention one strategy for developing erotic mindfulness. “Separating pleasures” is a good way to learn how to slow down, focusing on one sexual sensation at a time and letting the erotic hunger build.

I think the tendency to rush through sex is a symptom of living in a culture that focuses on sexual scarcity. As long as we believe there is a lack of sex available to us, that our partner may not be willing next time, that we are lucky to be scoring, we will have a tendency to rush and consume as much as possible. If we believe in the abundance of sexuality, we can slow down and savor each moment. And when you learn to slow down and focus your erotic attention, you may be shocked to discover how much pleasure is available to you in every moment.

Filed Under: Erotic Embodiment, Personal

Trust, Security & Arousal

January 24, 2013 by

To journey to the highest states of arousal, to surrender fully into pleasure, you must feel safe and secure.

To feel secure you must be able to trust your lover.

We trust gravity, we trust the water out of our taps, we trust our paycheck will come at the end of the month. If we couldn’t rely on these things, our daily anxiety level would spike.

To what degree do you trust your lover? Do trust your lover emotionally? What about physically? Does your body feel safe under your lover’s touch?

How do you cultivate deeper levels of trust in your relationship, so you can feel safe to experience high levels of arousal and surrender?

Filed Under: Relationships, Sex Culture

The Erotic Art of Goofiness

January 23, 2013 by

A brief note on an essential erotic art: goofiness.

Long term relationships can easily fade into a practical partnership, without any of the fun, spontaneity and romance of the early stages of lust. In our stressful world it is important to know how to relax and not take yourself to seriously. We need to actively cultivate joy and the cathartic release of laughter. We need to be willing to show our lovers all parts of ourselves, not just the polished sides of our personalities. So as a sex educator I highly recommend you give yourself the permission to be flat out goofy.

A sense of humor is a great asset as a lover. The ability to be goofy takes it the next level. Goofiness is the ability to be a bit eccentric, to be free in your body and to have the confidence to make a fool of yourself. Make up little songs in stressful moments and sing them out loud (this strategy got us through many long days of loading moving trucks!) Tell stupid jokes that will make your lover guffaw. Dance wildly in your kitchen. Let go of any pretense, release any need to be sophisticated and just be a goof. Hopefully, your lover will join you, and you’ll enjoy many moments of sheer pleasure as you laugh at the absurdity of life together.

 

Filed Under: Relationships

Creating New Sexual Values

January 22, 2013 by

JudgementThis image was created last year by a then high schooler and recently shared on the photographer’s tumblr. The photographer owns that the image was a reflection of her own judgement about how women express their sexuality through clothing choices. Her image reflects the overwhelming pressure that shapes females sexuality and personal expression. Show too little skin and you are written off as prudish. Show too much skin and you are dismissed as a whore. This complex set of unspoken rules is a reflection of our legacy of a sex culture that focused on controlling and policing female sexuality. We are in the midst of a global shift towards a new sex culture, one that will be defined as we go and is open to your influence.

Make no mistake: global sex culture is rapidly changing. As cultural agents, we have the opportunity to define that change. In my very first post on this blog, I outlined some of my dreams for a new global sex culture. I believe we all help create the new sex culture with our personal and political choices. Every moment counts: do you slut shame your friends when they fully express their sexuality? Do you police your own sexuality to fit into a “good girl” standard that you never chose for yourself? How do you think about and talk about people whose sexualities are different from your own? Do you prioritize pleasure or think of it as a “reward” you must “earn,” as if pleasure was something that needed to be rationed?

I applaud this young photographer for sharing her work and challenging us all to think about how we still police female sexuality through fashion and judgement, in both directions of the hemline. It is a good opportunity to pause and revisit our own preconceptions and dedicate ourselves to actively creating a global sex culture that is healthy and liberating for all.

Here is another thoughtful look at this photograph, from The Society Pages.

Filed Under: Sex Culture

Commiserate or Celebrate?

January 21, 2013 by

I missed a few days of writing last week because I was sick. A terrible sinus infection took over my body and rendered me useless. My lovely partner Charlotte took good care of me for a few days, and just as we were marveling that she hadn’t caught the bug, she got sick. Quite convenient, actually, staggering our sickest days so we could take turns tending to one another.

Last night we were both feeling better so we went out to celebrate. After leaving North Carolina for New York State, I crave barbecue once in awhile, so we crossed the river to try out the local BBQ joint. We ordered a full rack of ribs and rolled up our sleeves, ready to savor the meat fest.

Our table was in a small side dining room, about six tables tucked into cozy proximity to one another. Ribs are a pretty all-encompassing eating feat, so Charlotte and I were pretty quiet, focusing instead on sucking the tender meat off the bones. I allowed myself to listen in on the tables around me. I love to eavesdrop, especially in restaurants. I am endlessly fascinated by people and love to gather juicy bits of dialogue, engaging in casual research for my work as a writer. In the dining room with us last night there were three other tables, all male/female couples dining together. As I listened in on their conversation and watched them interact, I noticed a pattern that I have noticed many times before. All three couples spent the entire meal complaining to one another, bitching about this and that, ranting about their bosses, babysitters and bills. After awhile I stopped listening as they were starting to diminish my own pork-fueled pleasure.

I notice this pattern all the time. Couples go out to eat, spend hard earned money and find the time to be alone in the world together, and then proceed to fill that space talking about negative things. Some people would justify it as “venting” or “getting emotional support around hard issues” but I call foul. What I see is endless commiseration. I love the word commiserate because it is such a clear and obvious reference to what we are really doing when we complain to one another: getting more miserable together. It seems like it is easier to stay stressed out and bitch about life together than to take the time to flip the switch and enjoy positive conversation about topics that are uplifting, inspiring and invigorating. It seems like our default conversation strategy is finding things to complain about.

Do a quick inventory of your closest relationships: your lover, your best friends, your family. How much time do you spend talking about life’s struggles vs. your dreams, visions and victories? How often do you go out to a meal and spend the majority of the time commiserating? What if you insisted on celebrating instead? What if we filled our meals together, our phone calls, our quality time with those we love with celebratory conversation about what we found most positive and exciting about life?

Personally, I come from a family culture of commiserating. My family loves to talk about what is broken in the world, the idiots around us and the stupidity of pop culture. It wasn’t until I got together with Charlotte that I started transforming this attitude.  Charlotte is a chronic celebrator – she is persistently positive about the world and always sees the best in people. From our earliest dates on, and even now six years on, she insists on filling our date time with conversation about the beautiful, the inspiring, the awe-inspiring parts of the world. It is much more fun and makes everything taste more delicious.

Clearly, there must be room for sharing life’s difficulties and our challenges. But even those conversations can be solution-oriented, transformed into seeking the lessons that are offered during our hardest moments. We must seek to have relationships that support our full range of emotions, but we also get to choose what we focus on, especially when we are out on dates and spending intimate time together. We can interrupt the tendency to complain and commiserate and instead shift conversation to topics that bring us joy and excitement. This choice can make all the difference in the culture of your relationship.

So what is it going to be? Do you want to Commiserate or Celebrate? You choose.

Filed Under: Relationships, Sex Culture
Next Page »