I missed a few days of writing last week because I was sick. A terrible sinus infection took over my body and rendered me useless. My lovely partner Charlotte took good care of me for a few days, and just as we were marveling that she hadn’t caught the bug, she got sick. Quite convenient, actually, staggering our sickest days so we could take turns tending to one another.
Last night we were both feeling better so we went out to celebrate. After leaving North Carolina for New York State, I crave barbecue once in awhile, so we crossed the river to try out the local BBQ joint. We ordered a full rack of ribs and rolled up our sleeves, ready to savor the meat fest.
Our table was in a small side dining room, about six tables tucked into cozy proximity to one another. Ribs are a pretty all-encompassing eating feat, so Charlotte and I were pretty quiet, focusing instead on sucking the tender meat off the bones. I allowed myself to listen in on the tables around me. I love to eavesdrop, especially in restaurants. I am endlessly fascinated by people and love to gather juicy bits of dialogue, engaging in casual research for my work as a writer. In the dining room with us last night there were three other tables, all male/female couples dining together. As I listened in on their conversation and watched them interact, I noticed a pattern that I have noticed many times before. All three couples spent the entire meal complaining to one another, bitching about this and that, ranting about their bosses, babysitters and bills. After awhile I stopped listening as they were starting to diminish my own pork-fueled pleasure.
I notice this pattern all the time. Couples go out to eat, spend hard earned money and find the time to be alone in the world together, and then proceed to fill that space talking about negative things. Some people would justify it as “venting” or “getting emotional support around hard issues” but I call foul. What I see is endless commiseration. I love the word commiserate because it is such a clear and obvious reference to what we are really doing when we complain to one another: getting more miserable together. It seems like it is easier to stay stressed out and bitch about life together than to take the time to flip the switch and enjoy positive conversation about topics that are uplifting, inspiring and invigorating. It seems like our default conversation strategy is finding things to complain about.
Do a quick inventory of your closest relationships: your lover, your best friends, your family. How much time do you spend talking about life’s struggles vs. your dreams, visions and victories? How often do you go out to a meal and spend the majority of the time commiserating? What if you insisted on celebrating instead? What if we filled our meals together, our phone calls, our quality time with those we love with celebratory conversation about what we found most positive and exciting about life?
Personally, I come from a family culture of commiserating. My family loves to talk about what is broken in the world, the idiots around us and the stupidity of pop culture. It wasn’t until I got together with Charlotte that I started transforming this attitude. Charlotte is a chronic celebrator – she is persistently positive about the world and always sees the best in people. From our earliest dates on, and even now six years on, she insists on filling our date time with conversation about the beautiful, the inspiring, the awe-inspiring parts of the world. It is much more fun and makes everything taste more delicious.
Clearly, there must be room for sharing life’s difficulties and our challenges. But even those conversations can be solution-oriented, transformed into seeking the lessons that are offered during our hardest moments. We must seek to have relationships that support our full range of emotions, but we also get to choose what we focus on, especially when we are out on dates and spending intimate time together. We can interrupt the tendency to complain and commiserate and instead shift conversation to topics that bring us joy and excitement. This choice can make all the difference in the culture of your relationship.
So what is it going to be? Do you want to Commiserate or Celebrate? You choose.