Last night, my partner and I were getting ready for an intimate evening together. We had a long, focused day working together, and were ready to shift towards being lovers. We work together from home, running PleasureMechanics.com and supporting one another in our individual art projects, and we need to make a focused effort to spend time together simply as lovers. It is all too easy to let our work permeate every date night, every meal’s discussion, every evening together. So sometimes, we declare a holiday from work for a few hours, and give one another massage, make love and try to be with one another without distraction.

I was so ready for a few intimate hours with my gorgeous lover, and was feeling excited and a bit high on our accomplishments of the day. Charlotte was about to get in the shower, and I was looking forward to spending the evening loving her up. Then, the phone rang. I made the mistake of answering it, to be greeted by a mentally ill family member screaming at me: a full on rant and a dash of insults followed by hanging up on me. This is a relationship I have heavily invested in, and the call shook me to the core. Any chance of sexy time was completely dissolved by that phone call.

But what happened next is the important part. Instead of retreating to a book, or numbing myself out with sugar, or spending the whole evening on my own rant about how I had been wronged, we chose to simply cuddle. We turned on a DVD of a favorite show (Girls by Lena Dunham), got really cozy in our day bed (who needs a couch when you have an extra queen size tempurpedic bed in your living room?) and cuddled. I sank my head into her chest and let my breathing calm down, matching her inhale breath for breath. I felt her arms around me and was brought back to the present moment. We laughed together, she stroked my back and held me tight. And with that choice, the choice to bring our bodies together for the simple comfort of touch, I was saved. Saved from hours of toxic stress, saved from flashbacks of years of emotional trauma with the caller, saved from the slippery slope of despair. My lover wrapped her arms around me and with her touch beckoned me back to the reality of my love, my family, my life.

I am reminded that these moments count towards creating a phenomenal sex life. The choices we make in the most stressful and scary times matter. Do I choose to turn away from physical intimacy, to reject touch and seek the numbing effects of food, porn or drugs? Or do I turn towards my lover, take a deep breath and allow myself to be held? These are the moments that add up to create the culture of your relationship. Last night I was reminded of the power of a simple embrace offered in a moment of upset. Turns out, these are the moments that make all the difference.