This morning I woke up to a sad email from a friend who is going through a sudden break-up. I called her right away to give her my support, and in our conversation it became clear that what hurt most was not that the relationship was ending or changing, but that her lover was doing the break-up so poorly, without the maturity, respect and dignity that they both deserve.
I am reminded by this how seldom we bring the best of ourselves to all stages of intimate relationships. From flirtation and seduction to negotiations and break-ups, we often revert to selfish children when it comes to intense moments of intimacy. Why is that? Why are break-ups and other forms of relationship conflict often marked by immature and disrespectful behavior? Where does our self-respect and confidence go when we are trying to ask someone out on a date? It seems that as soon as we are dealing with love,sex and intimacy we all lose a bit of dignity and intelligence.
After reflecting on this today, I think that it must be related to the fact that as a culture we are still purging our sex-negative history. We still have a legacy of sexual relationships being more about dominance and ownership rather than love and mutual pleasure. We still have so much shame and fear around sexuality. And so when we are negotiating these relationships we all become the weakest versions of ourselves. We wither, rather than thrive. Most of us are much more powerful and clear when it comes to our career than our desires in the bedroom. We are more willing to stand up for ourselves in relationships where we haven’t been seen naked. We show up at our worst during break-ups, and any relationship that doesn’t last forever is deemed a failure rather than simply a phase that has ended. Our cultural dialogue about relationships, especially when they are ending, does not encourage us to bring the best of ourselves to one another.
The cure for this, of course, is to continue healing our sex culture and create a future where sexuality is a respected, dignified and celebrated part of our lives. We must strive to give ourselves and our lovers more respect and bring the best parts of ourselves to creating healthy and mature erotic relationships. We need to challenge ourselves to communicate clearly about our desires, step fully into our power as erotic beings and own our responsibility to one another. Being reckless with one another’s feelings is just a sign of erotic immaturity, as individuals and as a culture. We can do better. I pray for a future where more adults have the capacity to bring the best of ourselves to our most intimate relationships, where we can begin and end romances with more clarity and dignity. We can do better at this little piece of life called love, don’t you think?